TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have A further place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present Every person a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after getting the making's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel in which my PTSD can have transform-down provider."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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